Sibling Conflict, Good Or Bad?

The website, www.familycenterweb.org, claims that sibling arguments are actually beneficial to children. They claim that the “…unique bond that occurs between the siblings, although often conflictual, provides individuals with tremendous opportunities for better understanding interpersonal relations and how to resolve issues of conflict.”

They go on to explain a little more about why siblings feel the need to disagree and why it’s important that they do have these arguments.

“Children are freer to disagree with siblings than with other members of their social networks such as with peers or parents. Peer relationships may not withstand repeated disagreements and conflicts with parents are usually "unwinnable" because of their parents' greater power and resources within the family. Often children will test specific opinions and behaviors on their siblings, rather that risking peer rejection or punishment by parents. Therefore, sibling relationships provide a safe venue for children to learn much about what behaviors are socially acceptable and successful during heated moments of interpersonal conflict. As a result, elements of great warmth and great conflict often co-exist in developmentally normal sibling relationships.”

The next question that most parents ask is if and when they should intervene on their children’s arguments. www.familycenterweb.org, goes on to say how too often, “…parents intervene in sibling arguments too early, reducing the chances for children to learn how to resolve their conflicts on their own.”

The website continues on by saying that if parents allow their children to engage in constructive conflict, they “…may increase their children’s ability to resolve disagreements on their own and therefore, [they will] improve a child’s ability to problem solve with peers and others outside of their home in the future.”

Another website, www.calmerparenting.com, has a completely opposite view on the subject of sibling conflict.

They claim that if siblings are constantly bickering and calling each other names, it will “…affect children’s’ self-image, and they [will] begin to feel bad about themselves.” Also, if siblings are constantly bickering, “…home life becomes far less pleasant for everyone in this negative atmosphere.”

They go on to say how “…sibling relationships affect peer relationships.” and that the “…social skills which will enable your child to make and keep friends are learned and practiced at home.” Which means that if two siblings are arguing at home and nothing is done about it, they will assume that it is a good behavior and they will use this same behavior with their peers. This could potentially make it so they have trouble making and keeping friends.

This website also suggests that parents should intervene as soon as possible in sibling conflicts and that they should “…nip potential problems in the bud when [they] can see that things are staring to go wrong.”

So, one website says that siblings conflicts are healthy and that parents usually intervene too early while the other says that sibling conflicts are anything but healthy and that parents should intervene as soon as possible. The question is, which one do you follow?

In my opinion, I believe that you should decide what to do based on the conflict itself. If it’s a conflict that both siblings could potentially work out by themselves then I would say to not intervene unless it gets out of control. Let them work it out and build on that problem-solving technique. On the other hand, if it’s a conflict that can do nothing but get worse, then I would intervene and help them solve the problem.